Beauty in the Mess

I have been absent in this space lately.  Although not intentional at first, I have taken some time to once again revisit why I keep this blog and devote my time to it.

Maybe it is the new year that has me evaluating things.  

Anything we spend a great deal of time and effort on should be evaluated and made clear why we invest in it.  When I started this blog it was out of a longing and yearning to be apart of what I saw other mother-bloggers doing.  

I was inspired by mothers who were exposing the beauty of being at home with their children, and showing the world that "stay-at-home" mothers have a purpose and a beautiful calling to fulfill. 

I was struggling to find the beauty in my calling as a mother, and wanted to start searching for ways to appreciate what I had been given.  And, indeed this blog has helped me fulfill those longings and helped me focus on the better part of my days rather than the mundane and difficult.

It was also intended to be a journal for the kids to look back on someday and a record of their journey through childhood. 

But, ultimately it has become a place where I want to show how my faith has carried me to this place where I am for better or for worse.

To share that I struggle (oh how I struggle), and how there is a God who is faithful, a healer, a comforter, and one who answers when we call.  I realize that this blog is basically a public journal of sorts.  Which is intimidating, and yet I feel like it is my calling to keep posting.  Because just maybe you or someone you know might just struggle like I do or can relate to what makes me smile.

Thank you again and again to those of you who continue to encourage me.  I am one that needs to be encouraged.  Don't we all need encouragement?

What I pray is that no one comes to this space and imagines a life exists around here that isn't real.  Sometimes me choosing certain pictures and posts to share is my way of focusing on the positive rather than the negative, so it is purposeful.  But, that lack of sharing the negative certainly does not mean it does not exist because it does.  

Like for example, I'll share that lately I have been going through a dark time of doubt and struggling to see the light.  Wondering if God has forgotten about me?  Wondering if God has the power to heal my little boy who has been sick repeatedly?  See how can I always share one side of the story without the other.  I can't.  With great faith comes a great deal of doubt whether we care to admit it or not.  But, God never leaves us when we call Him near.

In my heart I know all the right answers to my doubts.  But, sometimes I need to be convinced.  This came through the voice of, Natalie, who is 4 years old the other day while sitting at the table she said, "Mom, at church we are learning about how God is a healer.  He heals people."  This was just what I needed to hear at a moment when my anxious heart was starting to feel as if an elephant were stomping on my chest.  The tears welled up in my eyes because I knew this was an answer from God.  He heard my pleas and cries and He knows me.  

He IS a healer.  Mighty to save.

However, God does not always answer us in the way we want.  But, He will be there to see us through whatever the outcome may be.  I have to let God, and let go.  I struggle with this.  See, I don't know about you but I am perfectly capable of handling things on my own.  Or so I try.  But, this taking the reigns and trying to control every aspect of life leaves me in an exhausted, anxious, and desperate state.  

Natalie's verse to memorize for Sunday school this week is so fitting.  

"Cast all your anxieties on Him because He cares for you." 1 Peter 5:7.  We all memorized it this week, and I keep needing to repeat it over and over.  

My favorite part is that, "HE CARES FOR YOU."  Don't we need to know this, that someone cares about every small intimate detail of our lives? 

I chose the photo of the bird's nest at the top because of how messy it appears to be with all the twine, twigs, moss and mud.

And yet, how beautiful all that messiness is in the coming together for such a great purpose.  

Oh how this nest resembles my own nest.  And, how on so many days ALL I can see is the messiness in more areas than one.  But, what if you were able to get a view from above?  To look down at the eggs tucked warmly and safely inside.  I have to remind myself of this when I feel like I have made such a mess of everything; that my little children are tucked safely and warmly inside the nest.  Why can't I let this be enough some days?  Why do I always have to look at what didn't get done or how I didn't measure up?

See, this is why I blog.  To remind myself that in the very midst of this messiness of life, that God has a greater plan and purpose for me.  To remind myself to rest easy in that truth.

Routines

This past week at our MOPS meeting we had a speaker talk to us about routines/schedules.  She is a mother of twin boys and a girl.  Hence, she has credibility when it comes to talking about how to keep your home in order with regards to children.

Her thing is to post large poster boards around the house with routines/schedules written out in simplified short phrases or even just pictures for younger children.

ie: 

Morning Routine

Make Bed

Brush teeth

Get dressed

Comb hair

Get ready for breakfast

Some mothers in our group were not at a place where they felt the need for these posters or their children were too young (or perhaps they just have freakishly well-trained children who aren't in need of reminders).  But, for most of the moms in my group, they could agree that they desired some variation of this and had tried something as far as chore charts/behavior modification goes in their homes.  Some had found success in what they were doing while others like myself were still searching for something that would work.

I basically came to the decision to give these posters a try the other day out of complete and utter desperation!  I had to explain to the girls who are now 6 (going on 7), and 3 (going on 4), that MOM NEEDS HELP!!!!  Sounds desperate, eh?  

Exactly.

Well, see I have trained my children up to think that mom does EVERYTHING.  Oh, just leave that on the floor mom will pick it up.  Just kick your shoes off wherever and throw your coat where it lands, mom will put it where it belongs.  Just eat, make a huge mess and leave the table because we know mom will clear the table, seriously I could go on and on.  I do assume full responsibility here.  So, I finally hit a low-point last week when it became so painfully obvious that something needed to change.  You know the definition of insanity, right?  Doing the same things over and over expecting different results.  Umm, hmph.

See I have expectations for my children in my head and I vocalize them regularly- usually in a voice sounding much like a high-pitched screech with a hint of desperation.  Please clean-up your room!  Please put your clothes in the hamper!  Would you please....!

Well, now I no longer have to screech/scream/threaten/plead___________ because we have routines/expectations clearly defined and posted on 4 BIG white poster-boards around the house titled: morning routine, after-meal routine, after-school routine, and bedtime routine.  Already it has been working even after the initial begrudging remarks, "I don't like these routines."  Now, they are having fun with it.  Because, TA-DA it makes life easier on everyone!

What helps make it fun is the reward.  When I see one of them doing something that I like as far as following routines or good behavior or a willingness to help, I put a pumpkin or piece of candy in the jar.  When that really LARGE Ball jar gets filled to the top then we will do something fun together as a family.

See, the whole jar/rewards thing is not an individual thing, it is a family thing.  If we all work together then we all get to celebrate together.

I used this analogy for the girls.  Think about playing soccer on a team and only 1 person is trying to win the game ALL by herself.  While her teammates are sitting around picking grass.  How successful will that 1 person be?  Then I answer that for them by explaining that, that "1" person trying to win the game ALL BY HERSELF, is mom.  What happens when mom is the only one trying to win the game for the team-- is that mom gets burned out, gets really crabby, she yells, and it sounds nasty.  So, if you don't want mom to be crabby, and screaming, and pulling her hair out, then we all need to work together, as a team.  Capice?

Epiphany, right?  

Well, I'm only about 7 years into this whole parenting gig...

The whole point of sharing this is to enlighten perhaps, or encourage, or just to make you laugh at the ridiculousness of it all.  This is what I love about reading blogs and/or hearing people talk about what is working for them in the midst of struggles.  Not to compare myself but to say, yeah, I need to do something like that because what I'm doing isn't working.

Maybe you'll agree.

Being a Mom Means Always Having a Plan "B"

I really feel as if I have evolved as a mother in this department; and this is probably most evident when it comes to cooking meals.  I used to be so stuck on following a recipe just the way it was written.  This meant measuring and leveling off every teaspoon or cup, and never substituting or deviating from the recipe.  If for some reason I forgot to pick up an ingredient at the store, I would drop everything and rush to the store to get that one stinkin' ingredient.  I would follow that recipe to a tee.  Okay, a bit perfectionistic I'll admit.  But, now my current life does not allow for dropping everything to rush to the store.    And, even if it did, that is really not a practical way to live.

If plan "A" as perfect as it was going to be all conjured up in my head suddenly comes to a screeching halt,  like say no sausage for that "Sausage Strata" I was going to make for a church breakfast this morning. You just make an egg bake.  Ya' feeling me?  Egg bakes are good.  You gotta let it go.

Also, another good point to bring up is that after 7 years of learning and refining how to cook, and how to read recipes and follow them closely; once you get the hang of things then you can start to get creative and experiment and change things out.  Having a plan B seems to be a much easier option when you get the basics down.  This goes for mothering as well.  What seemed like an impossibility as a first-time mother doesn't throw me off as much the third go around.  

Not to say, I don't burn pancakes, or forget to buy ingredients at the store, or heck even make a list half the time it seems, or totally just "lose it" and not be able to pull together A, B, or C today.  On those days you eat popcorn or cereal for dinner.  This is life.  Or maybe this is just my life, and now you know.  But, my life is hectic, busy, overwhelming at times, and it doesn't always follow a recipe that turns out into a beautiful dish on a silver platter.  

And, I'm okay with that.  

See, I told you I have evolved.

When Life Doesn't Go As Planned...

Yesterday was race day.  I didn't race.  I didn't even attempt it.  After my trip home to SD my training plummeted.  I still got about 10 miles in a week, but that wasn't enough to get ready for the race.

Then two weeks ago my hip started hurting to the point that it was painful to walk on it for about a week.  I guess I knew at that point that I wouldn't be meeting my goal this summer of running a half-marathon.

But, I'm okay with it.  Really I am.  I'm disappointed that I didn't accomplish my goal because for 5 weeks I worked really hard.  I got up at 6am and ran when I didn't feel like it.  I even ran 9 miles one night. 

Mostly, I can look back on this summer and know that I set a goal that was pretty lofty in all reality.  I know there are always unexpected hiccups in life, and especially with small children: illnesses, teething, waking in the night etc.  Right now in this season of life, being mom trumps all else.

I'm proud that I reached for a goal.  If we never reach for anything new or out of sight we'll never grow.

I learned that a lot of what we think we can't do is mental not physical.  The body has amazing abilities to keep going long after the mind has given up.

I learned that I'm more capable and stronger than I ever knew.

I learned that I need to do more to take care of myself in the midst of taking care of others.  I'm a better wife, mother, person when I do.

I learned that even when I make plans life can come along and change them. 

Remind Me Who I Am

Dear Stay-at-home Mom,

Click here to read the letter

My mom sent this letter to me today via email.  The timing could not have been more perfect. The tears were welling up after the first few sentences, and I will admit that does not happen very often.

 Maybe it touched me today because the baby has cried since he woke up this morning, and now four hours later he has finally fallen asleep.  Maybe it is because the baby is refusing to nurse because his top two-front teeth are coming in simultaneously.  Or maybe it is because I feel at a loss for not achieving everything I wanted to accomplish with the girls this summer.

We try so hard, do we not?  To be the perfect mother.  But, there is no such thing.

There are only figments of our imagination where we create the perfect mother from reading bits of blogs and books.  I just let out a huge sigh of relief knowing that is true.

God does not ask us to be perfect.  I'm grateful for that today.

So here is to all the imperfect mothers out there, who love their children dearly, who are doing the best that they can in the situation God gave them; but fall flat and need the courage to get back up again.  I hope you find encouragement in this letter like I did today.

In God's unfailing and perfect love,
Katie

Lessons From the Pavement/ Part 2

The temperature had to be already in the 80s this morning at 6:15 when I stepped outside to run.  They are talking record highs for today (95 degrees).  I missed a run last week, so I had to make up for it this morning.  No excuses.  Thankfully, my little alarm clock (the one who requires a feeding) went off at 6:00, so I was up anyway.

As I was running, a girl ran past me, going fast.  I had a revelation at that moment, Oh, so that's what running looks like.  Not sure what to call what I was doing.  It wasn't walking, but I guess it's not exactly running either.  Anyway, just as I was about to beat myself up for being a slow runner and compare myself to the blur that flew past me, I stopped myself, and lifted my head and saw this girl now a block ahead of me, and I became inspired and encouraged.  I knew that I couldn't run as fast as she was going, but I also realized that I could run faster than I was going.  I didn't think I could.  I thought I was going as fast I could go.  It was hot.  I was just plodding through the 4 miles I set out to complete.  But, it challenged me to push myself a little more.

It's important not to get caught up in the comparison game-no matter in what situation you find yourself.  It won't help your progress in the least if you do.  But, instead, focus on your goals that you set out to achieve.  Your goals will look different than someone else's.

My goals were as follows:
Get out of bed and go running.  Check
When you feel like stopping, keep going.  Check
Run (jog or whatever it is) for 4 miles.  Check

P.S.  I did sign up for a half-marathon (13.1 miles) on Sept 2nd.  I have never ran more than 4 miles!  So, I have my training schedule and I'm sticking to it.  My goal for the race is to "complete" it not to "compete" in it.  You have to be realistic about your gifts/talents/and goals.   

Encouragement

I set a new (old really, but with a new outlook) goal for myself: starting June 1st, I began a serious attempt at this whole weight loss get back in shape deal.  Does this sound remotely familiar?  Like maybe you've heard me say this before back in December...then February, and probably still in March & April, too.  Yes, well, ahem, I found that all I have from those months is a bunch of excuses (some of them are actually really legit, too).  I also know that excuses do not yield results. 

 So, after many failed attempts, and half-starts, etc, etc, I put June 1st as my new starting date.  Since then I have gone running 5 out of the last 6 mornings.  And, I'm not relying on sugar to get me through the day. It feels good- the great weather helps, and I am finding that 6 in the morning is actually quite a peaceful time of day.  If I want alone time I've found this is the time I have to seize before the children are awake.  Don't get me wrong, I love sleep.  It's a precious commodity when you're a young mother of three littles.  But, I've found that once I get over the initial feeling of, I really don't want to get out of bed feeling, that it's quite enjoyable.  I have my clothes set out the night before, and I'm out the front door before I can barely rub the sleep out of my eyes.  

I've also found that when I'm running, that I can hear my husband's voice saying, "C'mon now, pick up the pace.  You got THIS! Let's go."  We've gone running enough times together over the last however many years that he knows my running pace (snail-like), and he knows how to encourage me.  Don't we all just need to hear that sometimes no matter what we're facing-"You GOT this!"  

I also made the mistake of stepping on the scale today, and it about deflated me.  I know I'm not supposed to weigh myself yet.  But, I've been working hard, and I WANT results!  Aren't we like that, too.  We think, okay, now I'm trying, so poof things should be as I want them to be.  Yes, well, that's not quite how it works.  So, don't be discouraged if you're facing a mountain and you're a tenth of the way up and it feels as if you've put in all the effort you can muster because you still have a ways to go to reach the top.  But you'll get there, if you keep doing what you're doing.  

C'mon now.  You've GOT this!  Let's go!!!!  

Philippians 3:13- Brothers, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it.  But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.

Giving Birth at Home: Sparrow Magazine

When I found out that I was expecting my first child, I was overjoyed.  I knew that being a mother was my calling in life.  And like any new mother-to-be, I immersed myself in the world of birthing information readily available to us information-age mothers.

After spending countless hours doing research and talking with other people, I felt that a nurse midwife who worked in the hospital was the best fit for a provider.  We prepared as well, by attending Bradley birthing classes, a lengthy 10-week program focused on husband-coached childbirth.  As a first-time mother I was going to do everything right.  The more I submerged myself in the plethora of child-birth books with information about the current practices and statistics about labor etc.  I had my mind made up; I wanted an unmedicated, natural childbirth, with minimal to ideally no interventions.

To read the rest of the article you can go over to Sparrow Magazine where the article is being featured today.

Beauty in the Mundane

I realize that my posts and pictures may seem redundant (Not to the grandparents, I'm assuming).  There are a lot of pictures of the kids, doing the same thing, with some nature thrown in the mix.  Repeat.  But, there is something about finding beauty in the ordinary that appeals to me.  It's not as if we are creating or doing something noteworthy everyday, some days we are just simply living.  There is beauty in that, too.  I cherish these mundane, simple days.  And when I forget in the moment to cherish them, I have my photos to remind me at the end of the day.  I am grateful and know that I am blessed.  

Don't worry, if you're thinking it's always rainbows and butterflies around here, it's not.  But, reader, you don't really want to hear about all the ugly stuff like: the endless whining, the constant crying, and the fighting over who gets to wear the pink hat, do you?  Nah, didn't think so.  When life gives you whiny children, a headache, and a long day; focus the lens and zoom-in on a flower and the chaos fades away into the background for a minute or two (Okay, thirty seconds, maybe...).

An Analogy for Life~

I've attempted to be a runner on and off for probably the last 6 years or so.  It hasn't been very consistent with 3 pregnancies during those years.  I never considered myself to be a runner growing-up- in all truthfulness I despised to run.  It has only been in recent years that I have been drawn to running and found it to be very beneficial; it improves my mood, gives me confidence, and it makes me physically stronger.  Most importantly, is it gives me some precious time alone to be with my thoughts without little voices interjecting.  

Now that my third baby is reaching the six-month mark, I feel like my body has finally recovered enough to start running again.  The other day I was running (or let's call it what it actually is-a plodding jog) up a steep hill, and I thought of how running up this hill is like reaching goals in life.  I found that putting my head down, putting one foot in front of the other, and pushing through the pain; was better than staring straight up at the top of the hill wondering and fretting about when/how I was ever going to reach the top.  Yes, I could have made it easier on myself and stopped and started walking up the hill, but the benefits would not have been as great.  The reward is in feeling like you can't do something for whatever reason, but persevering anyway until you make it to the top.  If I focus solely on where I want to get to, I lose sight of the journey and forget that it actually takes work to reach that summit.  So, I put my head down and I push on through the pain (And, don't forget to get those knees UP!).  You will know when you've reached the top. 

Why I Blog...

So, why do I do this whole blogging thing, anyway? 

It's a question I've asked myself before and pondered many times.  But, I've found I have some new answers and perspective.  For starters, I enjoy being a wanna-be photographer and writer.  These are relaxing and refreshing hobbies for me.  I also look at some of the entries that I've posted on a particularly rough day with kids being whiny, disobedient, and I know that all I did ALL day was raise my voice at them.  But, somehow I come to this space and post pictures of them playing in the sand or in their ballerina dresses and no one would even guess that it had been a rotten day.  This isn't a place to pretend that we don't have struggles and to paint a picture of life that doesn't exist around here.  It's a place for me as a mom, to look back on the day, and say, You know what?, there WAS beauty in our day even though I'm exhausted, frustrated, and at the END-OF-MY-ROPE.  I can look at the beauty in my girls' smiles and see from the photos I captured of them enjoying life that allows me to appreciate them and to forget the ugly moments.  Each day I have to start fresh by: forgiving them, forgiving myself, and asking God to help me train them up right.  This whole parenting gig is difficult.  Just as much as they need honing, I do too as a mother.  Each day I fail in some way and have to find the courage to press on. 

My main goal of blogging is to stay in the moment and appreciate the simple things.  To find beauty in the everyday.  Whether it is stopping to photograph a flower, my children, or some muffins we just made.  It helps me appreciate what it means to be a mother, a wife, and a homemaker.  These are things that the world is not out supporting or promoting necessarily, so it's important for me to remember what I'm doing here has worth and purpose.  I find inspiration and encouragement from other bloggers/mothers who are doing the same.  I believe the world needs to see the beauty that is mothering children and making a home.